In 1971, a man named Steve Goodman thought he’d written the perfect country & western song. It was called You Never Even Called Me By My Name and it was pretty good. But upon the release of his debut self-titled album, Mr. Goodman was informed that, no, he hadn’t written the perfect country & western song because he hadn’t said anything at all about Mama.

Or trains.

Or trucks.

Or prison.

Or getting drunk.

So he added those elements into one final verse and the rest… well, the rest is music history. This week, you’re gonna follow in Mr. Goodman’s steps and write me the perfect country & western story. It should be pretty easy, I think. You already know the five most important things to include. I can only assume everything else will just fall into place.

Shit. You know what, after you sign up, I’m going to assign you a sixth important thing, too. Just to keep things fun. Giddyup.