Absolute dumb fucks love to bitch about the “War on Christmas” but neeeever point out that Christmas is 100% the aggressor. Last year, I saw Christmas supplies in stores at the beginning of November. November! And in its unending quest for holiday domination, it has begun pushing the so-called “lesser” days up, as well. No doubt, you’ve already spotted a Spirit Halloween nesting in whatever office supply or clothing store recently closed and bringing with it its most boring, stupid, and insipid children: the scary clowns.

People that like scary clowns are the same people that jerk off to tumblr posts about beloved children’s shows actually being the dying fever dreams of the main character in a coma. Woww so smart, so clever, so edgy, something meant for kids is actually s p o o k y wooow. Stupid. Well, since this thread is definitively the best thread on this dying comedy forum that was once the zeitgeist of the internet and since I am in charge of it for the next week, you, my writers, shall be tools in combating this personal grievance and specific cultural abomination.

Write about hero clowns.

That. Is. It.

And I’m not talking about metaphorically either. No class clowns. No funny people just making funny jokes. I’m talking about paint, talking about silly clothes, maybe some gags, literal fucking clowns, okay? And they can be doing regular clown stuff: circuses, birthday parties, rodeos, whatever. That’s fine. But if they’re not, you do not have to explain why. If Tinkles is a gritty, civil rights attorney fighting for the freedom of a wrongly convicted person of color or if Hicky Hiccup is a streetwise skateboarder turned snowboarder who is gonna save the ski resort town from the mean rich man by beating his mean rich son in a race, I don’t need to know why they are also a clown -- they just have to be one.

And they gotta be heroic.